I think about suicide often, almost every minute of every day. It’s a thought that I’ve done everything I know to get it to stop and out of my mind forever. So far it’s a losing battle.
Not only do I think about wanting to die by suicide my brain focuses on what it would feel like. I imagine the initial spilt second of painof the bullet entering my head and the build up of pressure until it exits. I imagine the rope tightening around my neck and if it’s done right the snapping of my neck and I feel no more. I think these type of thoughts through every scenario I can think and I have no real control over it.
I don’t know if others with suicidal tendencies have the same thought process or if I’m the only one, I doubt that I am. All I know is all of this is wearing me down day by day and I’m losing my strength to fight anymore.
For over 40 years I wanted to end my life but continued to fight to live. Now half of me wants to live while the other half still wants to end it all, it’s an exhausting battle and the side of living seems to be getting weaker the longer it goes on.
A month and a half ago I started a partial hospitalization group therapy program. In that time I’ve learned some coping skills that I really need to start and master. But overall I’m not sure what I’m getting out of it.
While in group I feel good, better than normal which is saying a lot, it’s good to be around people who have similar problems. However, once group ends and we go our separate ways my mood starts to decline and that’s where the trouble starts. The ups and downs of emotions, feeling good then not wears on the psyche and puts me in a bad state of mind.
The psychiatrist at the facility suggested I would be a good candidate for two different treatments. The first is the newly FDA approved ketamine nasal spray. While I like the idea of it, it supposedly gets rid of your suicidal thoughts almost immediately. The drawback is you have to sit in your doctor’s office for two hours afterwards to make sure there’s no adverse effects and you have to do this monthly I believe. If I had a job that would make things difficult.
Ther second treatment is Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS.) This is a treatment I’ve wanted to try since I first read of its FDA approval which I believe was early 90’s.
This is a treatment where you go five days a week over a six week period to have electromagnetic waves shot into your head. This treatment is suppose to relieve or totally get rid of depression symptoms. The electromagnetic waves are suppose to get your neurotransmitters firing correctly and alleviate your depression.
I have chosen to start with TMS treatment.While this treatment does not address my bipolar or BPD disorder it’s a step in the right direction in getting a lot of the help and relief I need.
I am three days into TMS treatment and so far it’s going well. After the first two days I had more energy and have been able to shower on a daily basis. This morning I woke up down from the elation I was feeling but I’m hoping that’s from a lack of sleep, I enjoyed feeling happy again even if it was just slightly.
Right now I’m putting a lot of faith and my life in the TMS treatment. This is a treatment geared to those of us that are treatment resistant so I am hoping it’ll help me. If it doesn’t than I’m stuck with the ketamine treatment and if that doesn’t work I’m SOL. Let’s all hope for TMS!!!
The article that spawned this post is included at the end.
After my attempt in April 2017 some of my loved ones talked to me about how difficult it would be for them to not have me in their lives. While I understand it would hurt them I know in the long run they will accept it and move on with thier lives. I have told those close to me should I ever attempt again, something that has been on my mind quite a lot these past weeks and succeed there is nothing that could’ve been said or done it is/was my choice.
While I know some if not most think it’s a selfish act in reality it is no more selfish then asking me to stay around to keep me in your life. If I were to do it it’s to end the every day emotional and physical pain I’ve had to endure for over forty years. Sure there some better days than others but the pain no matter what ever goes away. If you could walk a mile in my shoes, something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone you might better understand what I and others like me deal with daily. Dealing with severe depression, being Type 1 bipolar and having boderline personality disorder is a very hard combination to deal with and some days it’s nearly impossible.
Every day I wake up two hours early and lay in bed just to get the mental energy to get up by the time I actually have to be up just to face the day. Throughout the day and all night I’m stuck in my head fighting the bad thoughts that are there and often even though it’s a very bad thing to do I self medicate by drinking just to get to sleep. This is not a life I choose to live but it’s my reality.