As we move closer to Christmas, a holiday I don’t celebrate anymore I tend to self medicate more. I do this to help me deal with the fact I am alone in this world and have been for years even though I was in a relationship for 16 years. I feel the most alone when I go to bed and have to sleep with the TV on just to give me some sort of comfort.
For the longest time, since at least 14-15 years old I have gone through periods where I’ve been a heavy drinker this had been the case up until I was diagnosed bipolar/bpd almost two years ago. I say periods because having an abusive alcoholic father when I was a child I tend to pay attention to how much I drink and will ease back when I realize I’m going to much. Good thing though is I’m not an abusive person with it without alcohol.
Even though I was diagnosed two years ago I’m still trying to find the right med combination that works for me and it’s been a long, drawn out process to the point of just wanting to give up on it. When on new meds I do tend to drink less or not at all to see if they’ll kick in and work, so far not so much.
I’m not someone who needs a drink. Sure I like to go out and have a better or three (don’t drink and drive!) I do like coming long day and having a couple and relax bout on rare occasions I actually crave a drink, typically after seeing someone on TV pouring a nice glass of scotch (subliminal?)
Anyway. What it all boils down to is sometimes when I’m drinking I’ll binge and not know my limit, other times is just two or three beers I’m done. When I do realize I’m drinking to heavily on a consistent basis I’ll stop for a week or two or three then start over although it can take awhile to get back to bingeing.
After I post this I think I’ll need a drink 😂.