I never realized how hard the struggle was for me to maintain my sanity until I finally broke in April 2017. How I was able to fight it for 40 years and not lose is beyond me.
Now here is the problem. My depression has figured out how to beat me, it’s found the hole in the wall I use to protect myself. It knows my weaknesses and I’m struggling in this battle.
On or off meds the thoughts are always the same. I’m no longer counting my time in days or weeks but more hours and minutes.
For the past few weeks I’ve dreaded every minute of every day. Every second of every hour I’m awake I wish it’ll be my last but as usual with my wishes they don’t come true. However, I can’t imagine feeling this way much longer.
Tired of the feeling of dread.
Tired of the dark thoughts.
Tired of feeling worthless.
Tired of not having the words to express to friends how I feel.
Tired of not knowing what triggers my depression.
Tired of not knowing what happiness is.
Just tired of it all.