Bipolar depression for me feels like waking up with a sense of hope for the day only to have that sense snatched away a moment later for no apparent reason. No matter how much I try to hold onto that feeling I feel it being sucked away and I fall into despair.
I use to believe in a love that I wanted to marry the person I was with. I thought I had it once until she broke up with me without warning. The heartbreak was overwhelming, it put me into a downward spiral to the point of me attempting to end my life. I didn’t attempt because I lost her or because of the breakup I attempted because I had lost everything that was important to me, my home and my pets.
It’s only been in the past year I’ve realized how much she was manipulating me, telling me all the things I needed to hear in regards to love, life and my mental illness. Everything was a lie.
Before she ended it with me she had already begun another relationship with a man 3600 miles away in Scotland. She has apparently married him.
I use to believe in love.
Probably my biggest fear and probable final diagnosis.
For the past few weeks I’ve dreaded every minute of every day. Every second of every hour I’m awake I wish it’ll be my last but as usual with my wishes they don’t come true. However, I can’t imagine feeling this way much longer.
I feel myself falling back into the pit. I’m closing out my friends, I have no desire to talk to anyone or doing anything I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep. While it’s a wish I know I can’t because the are people who depend on my full do the things I need to do. I just wish there was a time for me to do what I want and have no expectations from anyone else.
Looking back at my life I see many chances to be happy and loved. If it weren’t for my mental health issues and fear of taking those chances I could actually be in a health and happy relationship, apparently I always make the wrong choices. Maybe one day.
A few weeks ago my DSLR camera broke after many years of service. Taking pictures of nature is not only a hobby but one of the few things that make me happy and forget about my depression. Problem is since I’m not really working I can’t afford to get a new one.
My best friend decided to create a Go Fund Me page to try and get my friends to donate for a new camera. I tried to talk her out of doing it and have asked her to take it down, I told her I’d rather pretend my friends like and care about me then to find out they don’t.
A new camera will cost $1200 a week into the fundraising only $90 has been raised. I didn’t really expect anyone to donate but I did sort of hoped my friends would come through and donate enough to at least help towards buying a new one. In all honestly I’m surprised I got the $90. At least I know now almost all of my friends won’t come through for me and I know who cares. Oh well.