Just about two and a half years ago I was a trigger pull away from ending my life. Up until that moment I was pretty much a carefree, obnoxiously sarcastic, funny, caring and warm person. Since that day I don’t know who I am.
I have been living on my own for a little over a year now but I wouldn’t be able to make it if it weren’t for my ex helping me out. I don’t have a job, I have no direction in my life and I don’t know who I am anymore or if I ever did.
For a majority of my life I’ve lived with severe depression but I tried to never let it run my life, I faked being happy a lot. So in reality I’ve never known who I am. I’ve lived a lie for over forty years I never got the chance to discover who I am. I know what I want to be and I know how others see me but is that the real me or am I still faking it?
I come across as caring, compassionate, funny, maybe even charismatic. Deep down I feel as though I’m lost. I want to find my way in this world, to find out who I truly am but I’m afraid I’ve been faking things for so long I’ll never know how to find the real me. Is there a real me or am I doomed to continue pretending to know who I am just to make others happy? Now I’m just rambling so I’ll stop here, lost.
All my life I’ve never been on to make long term plans I’ve always lived day by day. This way of living has served me well through the years. I’ve had a fairly successful life work and relationship wise so who needs to make plans? Well apparently I do.
I never made plans because I never thought I’d live past 25 and he I am at 50. With my depression and the other mental health issues I have I never knew from one day to the next if I’d be around so I didn’t plan for a future.
I dropped out of high school, got my GED at my then girlfriends request and started working in the corporate world and actually climbed the ladder fairly well considering and never considered college.
I dropped out of school because it was always boring and didn’t challenge me not saying I’m a genius but I do have a fairly good IQ. My only weakness is math and punctuation :-). Plus I really didn’t like the people I went to school other than a few good friends.
Anyway. I have been out of the corporate world since 2011 mainly by choice. At the end of 2010 I lost both of my parents a month apart which sent me spiraling into a deep depression that I’m still trying to claw my way out from. I really don’t have family to lean on and only a few close friends so it’s difficult. So after losing my parents and the depression thing my work started to suffer to the point my employer was no longer able to keep me around. While I hated the decision since I truly loved the job and the people I worked with I fully understood their position and I’m fine with it.
Here we are at the end of 2018 and I have no plan and my money is running out. I’ve been looking for a job for a year now with no luck. I don’t think employers want to touch someone who had been ot of the workforce for seven years especially once with no degree. That brings us to today.
This morning I got a photo text from my therapist (Hi Catherine!) that had the contact name for a counselor/ financial aid expert at the local community college, she wants me to contact them and I’m hesitant. Given past history I haven’t always followed through on things and school work was one of those things. Another problem is I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
There are things I enjoy doing like photography and volunteering for causes near to me (cancer and mental health) and helping people no matter how much I dislike dealing with them. But there is nothing I’m really passionate about. I’m good at doing a lot of things without to much effort hence why I’ve been able to get through life fairly easily but I’m no professional.
College scares me. What if it’s to much for me? What if I fail out? What if I’m not as smart as I think? What if I never find the thing I want to do? What if I do make it but still have no future? What if…what if…what if!
Mentally I’m not sure I’m ready but will I ever be? So what to do?
Another long day. Had puppy training then back to my place to be alone. Sometimes I don’t mind it but I’ve been stuck in my mind all weekend and it’s not a fun place to be.
I’ve been trying to distract myself with tv, music, unpacking none of it is working. I feel that my story will end here in this place. I fear death and at the same time feel as though I’ll welcome it. I just want my mind to be at peace.