Lost.

Just about two and a half years ago I was a trigger pull away from ending my life. Up until that moment I was pretty much a carefree, obnoxiously sarcastic, funny, caring and warm person. Since that day I don’t know who I am.

I have been living on my own for a little over a year now but I wouldn’t be able to make it if it weren’t for my ex helping me out. I don’t have a job, I have no direction in my life and I don’t know who I am anymore or if I ever did.

For a majority of my life I’ve lived with severe depression but I tried to never let it run my life, I faked being happy a lot. So in reality I’ve never known who I am. I’ve lived a lie for over forty years I never got the chance to discover who I am. I know what I want to be and I know how others see me but is that the real me or am I still faking it?

I come across as caring, compassionate, funny, maybe even charismatic. Deep down I feel as though I’m lost. I want to find my way in this world, to find out who I truly am but I’m afraid I’ve been faking things for so long I’ll never know how to find the real me. Is there a real me or am I doomed to continue pretending to know who I am just to make others happy? Now I’m just rambling so I’ll stop here, lost.

Email.

For weeks I’ve been holding off on sending an email to the women who tore my whole apart that lead up to my attempt.

The day I for out of the hospital we talked by phone for an hour and a half. Thought that conversation all she did was berate me over all the things I did wrong claiming I lied and manipulated her throughout our relationship. I know I never lied to her, she was the romantic relationship I was ever fully open and honest about. If I ever manipulated her it was not intentional.

When we met she had full disclosure about my mental illness. She being someone who works in a preschool with children who have behavioral problems said she understood and that she wasn’t going anywhere, she wasn’t going to be like the others who left before. She left.

A week or two before I had my full blown breakdown I indicated to her that I was going to end it all. With that knowledge she reached out to my best friend and told her my intentions. After that initial contact they became friendly with each other. In their conversations she was able to manipulate my friend and turn her against me. We’ve since settled things and she’s still my friend.

Over the past year+ I’ve had a lot of time to replay everything said to me and the anger has built up. It’s taken me a while to realize that is was me being lied to and manipulated which obviously angers me more.

My friends tell me to take the high road, left it fo and forget her but the anger is too much. A friend posted on Facebook a while ago how she doesn’t subscribe to the high road approach, she says it marginalizes those being attacked and gives the other person the power. It’s makes sense to me. Why should I let someone attack me but not be able to defend myself.

So here I am with this email waiting to be sent bit I can’t seem to hit the send button.