Tired of the feeling of dread.
Tired of the dark thoughts.
Tired of feeling worthless.
Tired of not having the words to express to friends how I feel.
Tired of not knowing what triggers my depression.
Tired of not knowing what happiness is.
Just tired of it all.
Today is one of those days when my brain is feeling me to stop existing. I’m growing tired of fighting this demon, it seems to get stronger everytime. I UAE to be able to block it out, tell it to leave me alone, tell it to shut up but those coping skills aren’t working for me. I keep busy, play the music loud, try to sing along but it just isn’t working out the thoughts anymore and it makes my heart heavy. Oh well on with my day.
There are days when after my mood plummets and it seems as the medications are worthless I feel I’d be better off checking into the hospital.
Here’s why I will never go to the hospital again after being in the psych ward in my area I’ve seen how screwed up our mental health system is here in Maryland.
I was in the psych ward for eight days. The first day was on the emergency room after that it was two days in the BHU because the were no beds available on the psych ward.
Once in the psych ward I saw the psychiatrist for about an hour to get my story, every visit after that lasted five to ten minutes to check up and see if i was still suicidal. I could’ve played the system a CD day I didn’t and would probably have been released that day or the next but I wanted the help. The help was useless so I played the system, I have suicidal thoughts every.
My schedule while locked up consisted of waking up, have breakfast, do activities such as sit around watch TV, color, play cards or do laps around the ward. We would have group therapy for i think a half hour maybe longer I don’t remember. Either way I was the only one participating voluntarily. After therapy it was lunch done then back to the above mentioned activities then dinner. After dinner visitors were allowed, some got them others didn’t. Then back to activities until bedtime which was eleven o’clock. Rinse and repeat.
Since being released I have become a volunteer with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I’m hoping to work with the advocacy team to sway our local and federal elected officials to spend more money on mental health awareness, fund mental health assistance for those who can’t afford it and for suicide prevention.
Another long day. Had puppy training then back to my place to be alone. Sometimes I don’t mind it but I’ve been stuck in my mind all weekend and it’s not a fun place to be.
I’ve been trying to distract myself with tv, music, unpacking none of it is working. I feel that my story will end here in this place. I fear death and at the same time feel as though I’ll welcome it. I just want my mind to be at peace.
Since my nervous breakdown and subsequent suicide attempt my short term memory has been shot. I don’t know if this is normal or not but it’s been very frustrating, overwhelming and disconcerting. It had caused me to break down more than once when I’ve forgotten where I learned something just minutes ago. I have talked to my psych nurse and she’s tried different meds except one because my insurance refused to cover it. It’s just one of many reasons I just want to give up and give in.