Mind Games.

Ever since the day of my incident, the day my life went askew my mind decides own its own to revisit it. I end up thinking back to when I held the cold, blue steel of a shotgun barrel in my mouth finger resting on the trigger wanting to pull it.

One question I was asked by a psychiatrist was “why didn’t you go through with it? Didn’t have the guts?” I don’t know why I didn’t and just about everyday since I wish I had.

My brain imagines what it would’ve felt like even if it was for the briefest of moments of pain. My mind tends to play back that scenario in super slow motion just so I can see and sense every single frame of that film with my minds eye.

And that’s how my mind works.

My Attempt.

It’s taken me a little over a year to really realize that my suicide attempt wasn’t about losing her. My attempt was because of my actions with her and repercussions threat came from. My attempt was because I had lost everything, my home (not house, home), my pets that mean the world to me and the loss of a relationship with a woman who has stuck by me no matter how much I hurt her. That’s the love I never realized I had.

Email.

For weeks I’ve been holding off on sending an email to the women who tore my whole apart that lead up to my attempt.

The day I for out of the hospital we talked by phone for an hour and a half. Thought that conversation all she did was berate me over all the things I did wrong claiming I lied and manipulated her throughout our relationship. I know I never lied to her, she was the romantic relationship I was ever fully open and honest about. If I ever manipulated her it was not intentional.

When we met she had full disclosure about my mental illness. She being someone who works in a preschool with children who have behavioral problems said she understood and that she wasn’t going anywhere, she wasn’t going to be like the others who left before. She left.

A week or two before I had my full blown breakdown I indicated to her that I was going to end it all. With that knowledge she reached out to my best friend and told her my intentions. After that initial contact they became friendly with each other. In their conversations she was able to manipulate my friend and turn her against me. We’ve since settled things and she’s still my friend.

Over the past year+ I’ve had a lot of time to replay everything said to me and the anger has built up. It’s taken me a while to realize that is was me being lied to and manipulated which obviously angers me more.

My friends tell me to take the high road, left it fo and forget her but the anger is too much. A friend posted on Facebook a while ago how she doesn’t subscribe to the high road approach, she says it marginalizes those being attacked and gives the other person the power. It’s makes sense to me. Why should I let someone attack me but not be able to defend myself.

So here I am with this email waiting to be sent bit I can’t seem to hit the send button.