For over 40 years I wanted to end my life but continued to fight to live. Now half of me wants to live while the other half still wants to end it all, it’s an exhausting battle and the side of living seems to be getting weaker the longer it goes on.
Just about two and a half years ago I was a trigger pull away from ending my life. Up until that moment I was pretty much a carefree, obnoxiously sarcastic, funny, caring and warm person. Since that day I don’t know who I am.
I have been living on my own for a little over a year now but I wouldn’t be able to make it if it weren’t for my ex helping me out. I don’t have a job, I have no direction in my life and I don’t know who I am anymore or if I ever did.
For a majority of my life I’ve lived with severe depression but I tried to never let it run my life, I faked being happy a lot. So in reality I’ve never known who I am. I’ve lived a lie for over forty years I never got the chance to discover who I am. I know what I want to be and I know how others see me but is that the real me or am I still faking it?
I come across as caring, compassionate, funny, maybe even charismatic. Deep down I feel as though I’m lost. I want to find my way in this world, to find out who I truly am but I’m afraid I’ve been faking things for so long I’ll never know how to find the real me. Is there a real me or am I doomed to continue pretending to know who I am just to make others happy? Now I’m just rambling so I’ll stop here, lost.
With all the progress I’ve made mentally this past year I still have a day or days as it is right now where I feel as though I’m regressing to where I was a year or two ago. This sense of regression scares me.
I feel as though I’m standing on a thin, slippery ledge and that one little slip will send me into the abyss. It makes me wonder if all the therapy and hard work I’ve put into getting better has really worked.
Right now I’m doing my best to fight back the negative thoughts especially the ones telling me to hurt myself and I’ll continue to fight them for as long as I can. I just want to be “normal.”
Today was the last day of TMS treatment. While I’m still not where I wanted to be after treatment there have been some major gains.
The biggest gain is that the little voice in my head telling me to kill myself has been quieted significantly! While I don’t think it’ll ever fully go away it is not a persistent thought pattern. The other big change is I no longer have the urge to self medicate by drinking myself to oblivion, these days I’m fine with having just one beer and that’s it.
I am hoping that once I find steady employment and have money coming in more happiness will follow. Until then I’ll keep going to group therapy and see my one on one therapist on Saturdays for as long as needed.
A month and a half ago I started a partial hospitalization group therapy program. In that time I’ve learned some coping skills that I really need to start and master. But overall I’m not sure what I’m getting out of it.
While in group I feel good, better than normal which is saying a lot, it’s good to be around people who have similar problems. However, once group ends and we go our separate ways my mood starts to decline and that’s where the trouble starts. The ups and downs of emotions, feeling good then not wears on the psyche and puts me in a bad state of mind.
The psychiatrist at the facility suggested I would be a good candidate for two different treatments. The first is the newly FDA approved ketamine nasal spray. While I like the idea of it, it supposedly gets rid of your suicidal thoughts almost immediately. The drawback is you have to sit in your doctor’s office for two hours afterwards to make sure there’s no adverse effects and you have to do this monthly I believe. If I had a job that would make things difficult.
Ther second treatment is Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS.) This is a treatment I’ve wanted to try since I first read of its FDA approval which I believe was early 90’s.
This is a treatment where you go five days a week over a six week period to have electromagnetic waves shot into your head. This treatment is suppose to relieve or totally get rid of depression symptoms. The electromagnetic waves are suppose to get your neurotransmitters firing correctly and alleviate your depression.
I have chosen to start with TMS treatment.While this treatment does not address my bipolar or BPD disorder it’s a step in the right direction in getting a lot of the help and relief I need.
I am three days into TMS treatment and so far it’s going well. After the first two days I had more energy and have been able to shower on a daily basis. This morning I woke up down from the elation I was feeling but I’m hoping that’s from a lack of sleep, I enjoyed feeling happy again even if it was just slightly.
Right now I’m putting a lot of faith and my life in the TMS treatment. This is a treatment geared to those of us that are treatment resistant so I am hoping it’ll help me. If it doesn’t than I’m stuck with the ketamine treatment and if that doesn’t work I’m SOL. Let’s all hope for TMS!!!
So I’ve realized a major flaw in my therapy and it’s me.
I’ve been living with my depression and whatnot for over 40 years. I’ve kept it hidden to the best of my ability from friends and familybecause I didn’t want them to pity me or for me to be a burden to them or worst case scenario people walking away because they don’t want to or know how to deal with it.
So back to me being the flaw. While I am now often and honest about everything and I do participate on group I’m still protecting myself to my own detriment. How so you ask? Probably not but I’ll tell you anyway. I’m too smart (or stupid) for my own good.
Having researched my mental health issues for so long as well as psychology and psychiatry I know the things to say to make the therapist think I’m making progress, this is how I got out of the hospital. While I do want to get better and be done semblance of “normal” I make it hard on myself to get there by not admitting I’m not really where they think I am or should be. I have no one to blame but myself and it’s something I need to work on.
Even though I now realize my ex was a very manipulative, narcissistic person and got me to fall for her by just telling me what I needed to hear, though she’s out of my life she still has a hold on me and I don’t know why.
Qhy I don’t bother reaching out to anyone when I need them the most. The past two days I’ve reached out to the two people I trust the most and got nothing. Monday was me telling them I felt like ripping my heart out. Today was that I’m tired of waking up every day feeling like I wanted to kill myself. Both days I basically got the “I’m sorry to hear that” type of response. Neither day did they check in with me to see how I was doing or if there was anything they could do for me. Not relying on anyone is how I fought my mental health issues for 40+ years and that’s how I’ll deal with it for as long as I have.
The article that spawned this post is included at the end.
After my attempt in April 2017 some of my loved ones talked to me about how difficult it would be for them to not have me in their lives. While I understand it would hurt them I know in the long run they will accept it and move on with thier lives. I have told those close to me should I ever attempt again, something that has been on my mind quite a lot these past weeks and succeed there is nothing that could’ve been said or done it is/was my choice.
While I know some if not most think it’s a selfish act in reality it is no more selfish then asking me to stay around to keep me in your life. If I were to do it it’s to end the every day emotional and physical pain I’ve had to endure for over forty years. Sure there some better days than others but the pain no matter what ever goes away. If you could walk a mile in my shoes, something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone you might better understand what I and others like me deal with daily. Dealing with severe depression, being Type 1 bipolar and having boderline personality disorder is a very hard combination to deal with and some days it’s nearly impossible.
Every day I wake up two hours early and lay in bed just to get the mental energy to get up by the time I actually have to be up just to face the day. Throughout the day and all night I’m stuck in my head fighting the bad thoughts that are there and often even though it’s a very bad thing to do I self medicate by drinking just to get to sleep. This is not a life I choose to live but it’s my reality.
Every night I crawl into bed and wrap myself up in my blankets creating a cocoon. I wrap myself up in hopes that tomorrow I’ll come out a better person. I hope to be released of my self doubt, depression and all the other mental health issues I’ve fought with for over 40 years. Sadly the cocooning never works and I either wake up in the same state as when I went to bed or worse.
I want to change, I want to be better and have some sort of “normal” but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me and it’s not for lack of trying. I just seem to keep sliding into a darker and darker place with no chance for escape.