Cracking.

I feel myself falling back into the pit. I’m closing out my friends, I have no desire to talk to anyone or doing anything I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep. While it’s a wish I know I can’t because the are people who depend on my full do the things I need to do. I just wish there was a time for me to do what I want and have no expectations from anyone else.

Existing.

Today is one of those days when my brain is feeling me to stop existing. I’m growing tired of fighting this demon, it seems to get stronger everytime. I UAE to be able to block it out, tell it to leave me alone, tell it to shut up but those coping skills aren’t working for me. I keep busy, play the music loud, try to sing along but it just isn’t working out the thoughts anymore and it makes my heart heavy. Oh well on with my day.

My Thoughts.

Another long day. Had puppy training then back to my place to be alone. Sometimes I don’t mind it but I’ve been stuck in my mind all weekend and it’s not a fun place to be.

I’ve been trying to distract myself with tv, music, unpacking none of it is working. I feel that my story will end here in this place. I fear death and at the same time feel as though I’ll welcome it. I just want my mind to be at peace.

Alone.

This weekend has been a long one of feeling alone. While I am somebody who doesn’t need to be in a relationship I’m usually better when I am. I’ve tried to keep myself busy and to not think about my loneliness by doing some unpacking, cleaning, hiking, anything that would keep me busy. It didn’t work.

I miss having someone next to me, someone to hug, talk to, joke with, cuddle on the couch with while watching movies. Someone to hold my hand and kiss goodnight. I need someone in my life who can understand what’s going on in my head, knows when I need a hug or just need to be alone. Someone who can look into my eyes and read my mind. I need love, is that asking for too much? Is there such a woman?