For over 40 years I wanted to end my life but continued to fight to live. Now half of me wants to live while the other half still wants to end it all, it’s an exhausting battle and the side of living seems to be getting weaker the longer it goes on.
I feel myself falling back into the pit. I’m closing out my friends, I have no desire to talk to anyone or doing anything I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep. While it’s a wish I know I can’t because the are people who depend on my full do the things I need to do. I just wish there was a time for me to do what I want and have no expectations from anyone else.
Why do I continue to chase the ones that have torn my heart out? Or the ones that are not interested? the ones always out of reach? Why do I always get my heart broken while everyone else gets to be happy. Why am I always the one left alone.
There are times I just want to post on Facebook asking my friends if anyone wants to come over and cuddle. I fear I won’t get a response or the “I would if I could but…” Why bother?
Today is one of those days when my brain is feeling me to stop existing. I’m growing tired of fighting this demon, it seems to get stronger everytime. I UAE to be able to block it out, tell it to leave me alone, tell it to shut up but those coping skills aren’t working for me. I keep busy, play the music loud, try to sing along but it just isn’t working out the thoughts anymore and it makes my heart heavy. Oh well on with my day.
I’ve been looking for a job for well over a year and a half now. I’ve submitted well over 100 applications and have only received three rejection letters. I’ve used different resumés, have had friends help craft them a CD still nothing, is very disheartening and wonder what’s wrong with me.
The weight in my chest is getting heavier, the thoughts in my mind are getting darker. I’m not sure if I want relief or release or are they one in the same?
And I couldn’t find my belt to hold my shorts up today.
Another long day. Had puppy training then back to my place to be alone. Sometimes I don’t mind it but I’ve been stuck in my mind all weekend and it’s not a fun place to be.
I’ve been trying to distract myself with tv, music, unpacking none of it is working. I feel that my story will end here in this place. I fear death and at the same time feel as though I’ll welcome it. I just want my mind to be at peace.
This weekend has been a long one of feeling alone. While I am somebody who doesn’t need to be in a relationship I’m usually better when I am. I’ve tried to keep myself busy and to not think about my loneliness by doing some unpacking, cleaning, hiking, anything that would keep me busy. It didn’t work.
I miss having someone next to me, someone to hug, talk to, joke with, cuddle on the couch with while watching movies. Someone to hold my hand and kiss goodnight. I need someone in my life who can understand what’s going on in my head, knows when I need a hug or just need to be alone. Someone who can look into my eyes and read my mind. I need love, is that asking for too much? Is there such a woman?