Just about two and a half years ago I was a trigger pull away from ending my life. Up until that moment I was pretty much a carefree, obnoxiously sarcastic, funny, caring and warm person. Since that day I don’t know who I am.
I have been living on my own for a little over a year now but I wouldn’t be able to make it if it weren’t for my ex helping me out. I don’t have a job, I have no direction in my life and I don’t know who I am anymore or if I ever did.
For a majority of my life I’ve lived with severe depression but I tried to never let it run my life, I faked being happy a lot. So in reality I’ve never known who I am. I’ve lived a lie for over forty years I never got the chance to discover who I am. I know what I want to be and I know how others see me but is that the real me or am I still faking it?
I come across as caring, compassionate, funny, maybe even charismatic. Deep down I feel as though I’m lost. I want to find my way in this world, to find out who I truly am but I’m afraid I’ve been faking things for so long I’ll never know how to find the real me. Is there a real me or am I doomed to continue pretending to know who I am just to make others happy? Now I’m just rambling so I’ll stop here, lost.
As we move closer to Christmas, a holiday I don’t celebrate anymore I tend to self medicate more. I do this to help me deal with the fact I am alone in this world and have been for years even though I was in a relationship for 16 years. I feel the most alone when I go to bed and have to sleep with the TV on just to give me some sort of comfort.
I’ve been asked by friends and loved ones wanting to help asking what had caused my depressive mood on any given day. Sadly I don’t have an answer for this I wish I did I. I can however explain how I feel, imagine waking up every day and the first feeling you have is the sense your heart has been completely broken and there’s nothing you can do about it.
are a lie life doesn’t work that way.
If you don’t find your soulmate while alive on earth do you find them in the next life?
I love the days when all I can think about is ending it all and not having anyone to distract me and I don’t want anyone to.
Why do I continue to chase the ones that have torn my heart out? Or the ones that are not interested? the ones always out of reach? Why do I always get my heart broken while everyone else gets to be happy. Why am I always the one left alone.
There are times I just want to post on Facebook asking my friends if anyone wants to come over and cuddle. I fear I won’t get a response or the “I would if I could but…” Why bother?
Another long day. Had puppy training then back to my place to be alone. Sometimes I don’t mind it but I’ve been stuck in my mind all weekend and it’s not a fun place to be.
I’ve been trying to distract myself with tv, music, unpacking none of it is working. I feel that my story will end here in this place. I fear death and at the same time feel as though I’ll welcome it. I just want my mind to be at peace.
This weekend has been a long one of feeling alone. While I am somebody who doesn’t need to be in a relationship I’m usually better when I am. I’ve tried to keep myself busy and to not think about my loneliness by doing some unpacking, cleaning, hiking, anything that would keep me busy. It didn’t work.
I miss having someone next to me, someone to hug, talk to, joke with, cuddle on the couch with while watching movies. Someone to hold my hand and kiss goodnight. I need someone in my life who can understand what’s going on in my head, knows when I need a hug or just need to be alone. Someone who can look into my eyes and read my mind. I need love, is that asking for too much? Is there such a woman?