College. Future.

All my life I’ve never been on to make long term plans I’ve always lived day by day. This way of living has served me well through the years. I’ve had a fairly successful life work and relationship wise so who needs to make plans? Well apparently I do.

I never made plans because I never thought I’d live past 25 and he I am at 50. With my depression and the other mental health issues I have I never knew from one day to the next if I’d be around so I didn’t plan for a future.

I dropped out of high school, got my GED at my then girlfriends request and started working in the corporate world and actually climbed the ladder fairly well considering and never considered college.

I dropped out of school because it was always boring and didn’t challenge me not saying I’m a genius but I do have a fairly good IQ. My only weakness is math and punctuation :-). Plus I really didn’t like the people I went to school other than a few good friends.

Anyway. I have been out of the corporate world since 2011 mainly by choice. At the end of 2010 I lost both of my parents a month apart which sent me spiraling into a deep depression that I’m still trying to claw my way out from. I really don’t have family to lean on and only a few close friends so it’s difficult. So after losing my parents and the depression thing my work started to suffer to the point my employer was no longer able to keep me around. While I hated the decision since I truly loved the job and the people I worked with I fully understood their position and I’m fine with it.

Here we are at the end of 2018 and I have no plan and my money is running out. I’ve been looking for a job for a year now with no luck. I don’t think employers want to touch someone who had been ot of the workforce for seven years especially once with no degree. That brings us to today.

This morning I got a photo text from my therapist (Hi Catherine!) that had the contact name for a counselor/ financial aid expert at the local community college, she wants me to contact them and I’m hesitant. Given past history I haven’t always followed through on things and school work was one of those things. Another problem is I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

There are things I enjoy doing like photography and volunteering for causes near to me (cancer and mental health) and helping people no matter how much I dislike dealing with them. But there is nothing I’m really passionate about. I’m good at doing a lot of things without to much effort hence why I’ve been able to get through life fairly easily but I’m no professional.

College scares me. What if it’s to much for me? What if I fail out? What if I’m not as smart as I think? What if I never find the thing I want to do? What if I do make it but still have no future? What if…what if…what if!

Mentally I’m not sure I’m ready but will I ever be? So what to do?

War.

I never realized how hard the struggle was for me to maintain my sanity until I finally broke in April 2017. How I was able to fight it for 40 years and not lose is beyond me.

Now here is the problem. My depression has figured out how to beat me, it’s found the hole in the wall I use to protect myself. It knows my weaknesses and I’m struggling in this battle.

On or off meds the thoughts are always the same. I’m no longer counting my time in days or weeks but more hours and minutes.

Alone.

I’ve been out of a relationship for over a year and a half and I find myself wanting to be in a new one. I want something I can’t have. I can’t be in a relationship with someone until I can get back on my feet and trust me it’s not for a lack of trying. I also can’t be in one until my mental state is balanced, it’s not fair to ask someone new in my life to put up with my crazy, it’s hard asking the people I know now to do it. However, I have a lot of love to give and no one to give it to.