Cacoon

Every night I crawl into bed and wrap myself up in my blankets creating a cocoon. I wrap myself up in hopes that tomorrow I’ll come out a better person. I hope to be released of my self doubt, depression and all the other mental health issues I’ve fought with for over 40 years. Sadly the cocooning never works and I either wake up in the same state as when I went to bed or worse.

I want to change, I want to be better and have some sort of “normal” but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me and it’s not for lack of trying. I just seem to keep sliding into a darker and darker place with no chance for escape.

Why I can’t get DBT therapy.

My psychiatrists office wants me to undergo a treatment called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) a proven effective treatment for people like me. After researching the three local suggested offices that offer the treatment they state that insurance doesn’t cover most of the treatment or covers it at all. This means hundreds of dollars or more out of pocket which I can’t afford and I am guessing thousands more who could benefit from it can’t either. This needs to be fixed!

As it is most psychiatrist don’t accept insurance because they don’t get reimbursed enough. In the past year when looking for help we found psychiatrist had varying rates ranging from $125-$350 or more per session. I don’t know many who can afford those rates every week. It seems next to impossible to really get the help one truly needs!

Right now I’m just seeing a psych nurse for medications and a counselor/social worker who I really like. While she’s helpful on some things she can only do so much. So whats a person like me suppose to do but to fight on my own and depend on friends to try and save me from destructive behavior. Maybe someday the meds will actually work. Rant over.

Love and Marriage.

I use to believe in a love that I wanted to marry the person I was with. I thought I had it once until she broke up with me without warning. The heartbreak was overwhelming, it put me into a downward spiral to the point of me attempting to end my life. I didn’t attempt because I lost her or because of the breakup I attempted because I had lost everything that was important to me, my home and my pets.

It’s only been in the past year I’ve realized how much she was manipulating me, telling me all the things I needed to hear in regards to love, life and my mental illness. Everything was a lie.

Before she ended it with me she had already begun another relationship with a man 3600 miles away in Scotland. She has apparently married him.

I use to believe in love.

Depression.

I’ve been asked by friends and loved ones wanting to help asking what had caused my depressive mood on any given day. Sadly I don’t have an answer for this I wish I did I. I can however explain how I feel, imagine waking up every day and the first feeling you have is the sense your heart has been completely broken and there’s nothing you can do about it.

College. Future.

All my life I’ve never been on to make long term plans I’ve always lived day by day. This way of living has served me well through the years. I’ve had a fairly successful life work and relationship wise so who needs to make plans? Well apparently I do.

I never made plans because I never thought I’d live past 25 and he I am at 50. With my depression and the other mental health issues I have I never knew from one day to the next if I’d be around so I didn’t plan for a future.

I dropped out of high school, got my GED at my then girlfriends request and started working in the corporate world and actually climbed the ladder fairly well considering and never considered college.

I dropped out of school because it was always boring and didn’t challenge me not saying I’m a genius but I do have a fairly good IQ. My only weakness is math and punctuation :-). Plus I really didn’t like the people I went to school other than a few good friends.

Anyway. I have been out of the corporate world since 2011 mainly by choice. At the end of 2010 I lost both of my parents a month apart which sent me spiraling into a deep depression that I’m still trying to claw my way out from. I really don’t have family to lean on and only a few close friends so it’s difficult. So after losing my parents and the depression thing my work started to suffer to the point my employer was no longer able to keep me around. While I hated the decision since I truly loved the job and the people I worked with I fully understood their position and I’m fine with it.

Here we are at the end of 2018 and I have no plan and my money is running out. I’ve been looking for a job for a year now with no luck. I don’t think employers want to touch someone who had been ot of the workforce for seven years especially once with no degree. That brings us to today.

This morning I got a photo text from my therapist (Hi Catherine!) that had the contact name for a counselor/ financial aid expert at the local community college, she wants me to contact them and I’m hesitant. Given past history I haven’t always followed through on things and school work was one of those things. Another problem is I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

There are things I enjoy doing like photography and volunteering for causes near to me (cancer and mental health) and helping people no matter how much I dislike dealing with them. But there is nothing I’m really passionate about. I’m good at doing a lot of things without to much effort hence why I’ve been able to get through life fairly easily but I’m no professional.

College scares me. What if it’s to much for me? What if I fail out? What if I’m not as smart as I think? What if I never find the thing I want to do? What if I do make it but still have no future? What if…what if…what if!

Mentally I’m not sure I’m ready but will I ever be? So what to do?