I hate the days when my mind is stuck between manic and depressive. It’s a battle in my mind for control and I want one side to win so I know how to feel for the day.
Even though I now realize my ex was a very manipulative, narcissistic person and got me to fall for her by just telling me what I needed to hear, though she’s out of my life she still has a hold on me and I don’t know why.
Bipolar depression for me feels like waking up with a sense of hope for the day only to have that sense snatched away a moment later for no apparent reason. No matter how much I try to hold onto that feeling I feel it being sucked away and I fall into despair.
These are all words friends would use to describe me and to a certain degree I agree with them but then there’s the other me. There’s the me who has lied, cheated, hurt people and have had my vengeance on those who have hurt or betrayed me. There is a me who has made and continues to make many mistakes which hurt those I love. There is an evil me who will haunt those who have wronged me until I feel my vengeance is fulfilled. No matter what I do I know it’s wrong but it doesn’t stop me from doing it, I’ll deal with karma later. That later is now.
Qhy I don’t bother reaching out to anyone when I need them the most. The past two days I’ve reached out to the two people I trust the most and got nothing. Monday was me telling them I felt like ripping my heart out. Today was that I’m tired of waking up every day feeling like I wanted to kill myself. Both days I basically got the “I’m sorry to hear that” type of response. Neither day did they check in with me to see how I was doing or if there was anything they could do for me. Not relying on anyone is how I fought my mental health issues for 40+ years and that’s how I’ll deal with it for as long as I have.
The article that spawned this post is included at the end.
After my attempt in April 2017 some of my loved ones talked to me about how difficult it would be for them to not have me in their lives. While I understand it would hurt them I know in the long run they will accept it and move on with thier lives. I have told those close to me should I ever attempt again, something that has been on my mind quite a lot these past weeks and succeed there is nothing that could’ve been said or done it is/was my choice.
While I know some if not most think it’s a selfish act in reality it is no more selfish then asking me to stay around to keep me in your life. If I were to do it it’s to end the every day emotional and physical pain I’ve had to endure for over forty years. Sure there some better days than others but the pain no matter what ever goes away. If you could walk a mile in my shoes, something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone you might better understand what I and others like me deal with daily. Dealing with severe depression, being Type 1 bipolar and having boderline personality disorder is a very hard combination to deal with and some days it’s nearly impossible.
Every day I wake up two hours early and lay in bed just to get the mental energy to get up by the time I actually have to be up just to face the day. Throughout the day and all night I’m stuck in my head fighting the bad thoughts that are there and often even though it’s a very bad thing to do I self medicate by drinking just to get to sleep. This is not a life I choose to live but it’s my reality.
Every night I crawl into bed and wrap myself up in my blankets creating a cocoon. I wrap myself up in hopes that tomorrow I’ll come out a better person. I hope to be released of my self doubt, depression and all the other mental health issues I’ve fought with for over 40 years. Sadly the cocooning never works and I either wake up in the same state as when I went to bed or worse.
I want to change, I want to be better and have some sort of “normal” but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me and it’s not for lack of trying. I just seem to keep sliding into a darker and darker place with no chance for escape.