Lost.

Just about two and a half years ago I was a trigger pull away from ending my life. Up until that moment I was pretty much a carefree, obnoxiously sarcastic, funny, caring and warm person. Since that day I don’t know who I am.

I have been living on my own for a little over a year now but I wouldn’t be able to make it if it weren’t for my ex helping me out. I don’t have a job, I have no direction in my life and I don’t know who I am anymore or if I ever did.

For a majority of my life I’ve lived with severe depression but I tried to never let it run my life, I faked being happy a lot. So in reality I’ve never known who I am. I’ve lived a lie for over forty years I never got the chance to discover who I am. I know what I want to be and I know how others see me but is that the real me or am I still faking it?

I come across as caring, compassionate, funny, maybe even charismatic. Deep down I feel as though I’m lost. I want to find my way in this world, to find out who I truly am but I’m afraid I’ve been faking things for so long I’ll never know how to find the real me. Is there a real me or am I doomed to continue pretending to know who I am just to make others happy? Now I’m just rambling so I’ll stop here, lost.

Abyss.

With all the progress I’ve made mentally this past year I still have a day or days as it is right now where I feel as though I’m regressing to where I was a year or two ago. This sense of regression scares me.

I feel as though I’m standing on a thin, slippery ledge and that one little slip will send me into the abyss. It makes me wonder if all the therapy and hard work I’ve put into getting better has really worked.

Right now I’m doing my best to fight back the negative thoughts especially the ones telling me to hurt myself and I’ll continue to fight them for as long as I can. I just want to be “normal.”

For years I was an advocate for all things cancer asking for funding for research and support and education programs. It was also a blessing for me to be a support for those in the battle or for those who had a loved one in the battle.

Now it’s my turn to ask for help but I don’t know how. I’m in need of so many things right now and I’m afraid to ask. Afraid that those who care about me

Darkness.

For all the good I do in the world this is a dark side of me.

I am a vengeful person. You hurt our damage a friend, loved one or myself I will find revenge. It may take me a day’s, weeks or years but I will make you suffer as you made the people I love or myself suffer. I will meticulously plan and execute my revenge as I see fit.

Final TMS therapy

Today was the last day of TMS treatment. While I’m still not where I wanted to be after treatment there have been some major gains.

The biggest gain is that the little voice in my head telling me to kill myself has been quieted significantly! While I don’t think it’ll ever fully go away it is not a persistent thought pattern. The other big change is I no longer have the urge to self medicate by drinking myself to oblivion, these days I’m fine with having just one beer and that’s it.

I am hoping that once I find steady employment and have money coming in more happiness will follow. Until then I’ll keep going to group therapy and see my one on one therapist on Saturdays for as long as needed.