Not having a kid or kids of my own has been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve always been torn between wanting kids and not. The main reason for not having any is my mental illness and not wanting to pass it on to my kids and have them suffer like I have.

I’ll be 51 this coming August and I have nothing to show that I’ve really existed on this planet. To show I’ve existed is no reason to have a kid I know that but I’m really feeling I’ve missed out on something special and wonderful.

A month or so ago I went to a play that two of my best friends kids were in, when I arrived I saw one of the kids giving a man a huge hug and I felt jealous. The man is a paramedic/EMT who literally saved the girls life so she seems him in a special heroic way. Seeing this hit me hard and made me realize I will never have a kid who sees me as any sort of hero in the way most kids look at their parents. I’m not talking a life saving hero but as a protector sort of hero if that makes sense.

These are feelings I wish I had three years ago or before. My ex has always wanted to be a foster parent or maybe one day adopt a child but I was always against it because I never felt adequate enough to be a parent. Now I’m just wishing she and I could work things out between us so we could get to the point of adopting. Working things out now is not an option as I’ve completely destroyed that trust.

So now I will have to live out the rest of my days with emptiness in my heart for what could’ve been and never knowing the love of a child and that truly sucks.

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