Selfish.

The article that spawned this post is included at the end.

After my attempt in April 2017 some of my loved ones talked to me about how difficult it would be for them to not have me in their lives. While I understand it would hurt them I know in the long run they will accept it and move on with thier lives. I have told those close to me should I ever attempt again, something that has been on my mind quite a lot these past weeks and succeed there is nothing that could’ve been said or done it is/was my choice.

While I know some if not most think it’s a selfish act in reality it is no more selfish then asking me to stay around to keep me in your life. If I were to do it it’s to end the every day emotional and physical pain I’ve had to endure for over forty years. Sure there some better days than others but the pain no matter what ever goes away. If you could walk a mile in my shoes, something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone you might better understand what I and others like me deal with daily. Dealing with severe depression, being Type 1 bipolar and having boderline personality disorder is a very hard combination to deal with and some days it’s nearly impossible.

Every day I wake up two hours early and lay in bed just to get the mental energy to get up by the time I actually have to be up just to face the day. Throughout the day and all night I’m stuck in my head fighting the bad thoughts that are there and often even though it’s a very bad thing to do I self medicate by drinking just to get to sleep. This is not a life I choose to live but it’s my reality.

https://afsp.org/i-wasnt-able-to-save-him

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