Ever since the day of my incident, the day my life went askew my mind decides own its own to revisit it. I end up thinking back to when I held the cold, blue steel of a shotgun barrel in my mouth finger resting on the trigger wanting to pull it.
One question I was asked by a psychiatrist was “why didn’t you go through with it? Didn’t have the guts?” I don’t know why I didn’t and just about everyday since I wish I had.
My brain imagines what it would’ve felt like even if it was for the briefest of moments of pain. My mind tends to play back that scenario in super slow motion just so I can see and sense every single frame of that film with my minds eye.
And that’s how my mind works.