This past week my ex with whom I still live with at least for another week or two has her own business and sometimes it requires her to stay at clients houses while they are away. Thursday night while she was away I woke up at 4:40 AM to go to the bathroom. The house was quiet, to quiet and I realized it was missing her snoring. We don’t sleep in the same room obviously but there are times when she’s asleep in her room and I can hear her snoring and it gives me a bit of comfort. Comfort that even though we are no longer together there is someone in the next room who still cares about me even if it can be hard for her to show it sometimes.
Silence has never been a friend of mine, it leaves my brain free to roam and find my darkest secrets and fears to use against me. Whenever I am home alone I will always have the TV or stereo on, I need sound to drown everything out. Silence is something I am going to have to get use to. In two weeks I am moving out, it’ll be the first time I have ever lived alone without roommates, parents, girlfriends. This scares me, not only because I will be alone with no one to talk to, no snoring, no one to hang out with and watch TV with. It scares me because of my mind and what it tells me to do. It does not want me to be alive, most times I don’t even want me alive but I live anyway\ but for how long who knows. Yes I know no one knows how long they have, however some of us do have that choice to pick when they go. I have had this unshakeable feeling that for me it’s going to be sooner than later and this has been no secret I’ve kept to myself. We’ll just have to see what happens I guess.