Suicide and my thought process.

I think about suicide often, almost every minute of every day. It’s a thought that I’ve done everything I know to get it to stop and out of my mind forever. So far it’s a losing battle.

Not only do I think about wanting to die by suicide my brain focuses on what it would feel like. I imagine the initial spilt second of painof the bullet entering my head and the build up of pressure until it exits. I imagine the rope tightening around my neck and if it’s done right the snapping of my neck and I feel no more. I think these type of thoughts through every scenario I can think and I have no real control over it.

I don’t know if others with suicidal tendencies have the same thought process or if I’m the only one, I doubt that I am. All I know is all of this is wearing me down day by day and I’m losing my strength to fight anymore.

Lost.

Just about two and a half years ago I was a trigger pull away from ending my life. Up until that moment I was pretty much a carefree, obnoxiously sarcastic, funny, caring and warm person. Since that day I don’t know who I am.

I have been living on my own for a little over a year now but I wouldn’t be able to make it if it weren’t for my ex helping me out. I don’t have a job, I have no direction in my life and I don’t know who I am anymore or if I ever did.

For a majority of my life I’ve lived with severe depression but I tried to never let it run my life, I faked being happy a lot. So in reality I’ve never known who I am. I’ve lived a lie for over forty years I never got the chance to discover who I am. I know what I want to be and I know how others see me but is that the real me or am I still faking it?

I come across as caring, compassionate, funny, maybe even charismatic. Deep down I feel as though I’m lost. I want to find my way in this world, to find out who I truly am but I’m afraid I’ve been faking things for so long I’ll never know how to find the real me. Is there a real me or am I doomed to continue pretending to know who I am just to make others happy? Now I’m just rambling so I’ll stop here, lost.

Abyss.

With all the progress I’ve made mentally this past year I still have a day or days as it is right now where I feel as though I’m regressing to where I was a year or two ago. This sense of regression scares me.

I feel as though I’m standing on a thin, slippery ledge and that one little slip will send me into the abyss. It makes me wonder if all the therapy and hard work I’ve put into getting better has really worked.

Right now I’m doing my best to fight back the negative thoughts especially the ones telling me to hurt myself and I’ll continue to fight them for as long as I can. I just want to be “normal.”

For years I was an advocate for all things cancer asking for funding for research and support and education programs. It was also a blessing for me to be a support for those in the battle or for those who had a loved one in the battle.

Now it’s my turn to ask for help but I don’t know how. I’m in need of so many things right now and I’m afraid to ask. Afraid that those who care about me

Darkness.

For all the good I do in the world this is a dark side of me.

I am a vengeful person. You hurt our damage a friend, loved one or myself I will find revenge. It may take me a day’s, weeks or years but I will make you suffer as you made the people I love or myself suffer. I will meticulously plan and execute my revenge as I see fit.