Lost.

Just about two and a half years ago I was a trigger pull away from ending my life. Up until that moment I was pretty much a carefree, obnoxiously sarcastic, funny, caring and warm person. Since that day I don’t know who I am.

I have been living on my own for a little over a year now but I wouldn’t be able to make it if it weren’t for my ex helping me out. I don’t have a job, I have no direction in my life and I don’t know who I am anymore or if I ever did.

For a majority of my life I’ve lived with severe depression but I tried to never let it run my life, I faked being happy a lot. So in reality I’ve never known who I am. I’ve lived a lie for over forty years I never got the chance to discover who I am. I know what I want to be and I know how others see me but is that the real me or am I still faking it?

I come across as caring, compassionate, funny, maybe even charismatic. Deep down I feel as though I’m lost. I want to find my way in this world, to find out who I truly am but I’m afraid I’ve been faking things for so long I’ll never know how to find the real me. Is there a real me or am I doomed to continue pretending to know who I am just to make others happy? Now I’m just rambling so I’ll stop here, lost.

Abyss.

With all the progress I’ve made mentally this past year I still have a day or days as it is right now where I feel as though I’m regressing to where I was a year or two ago. This sense of regression scares me.

I feel as though I’m standing on a thin, slippery ledge and that one little slip will send me into the abyss. It makes me wonder if all the therapy and hard work I’ve put into getting better has really worked.

Right now I’m doing my best to fight back the negative thoughts especially the ones telling me to hurt myself and I’ll continue to fight them for as long as I can. I just want to be “normal.”

For years I was an advocate for all things cancer asking for funding for research and support and education programs. It was also a blessing for me to be a support for those in the battle or for those who had a loved one in the battle.

Now it’s my turn to ask for help but I don’t know how. I’m in need of so many things right now and I’m afraid to ask. Afraid that those who care about me

Darkness.

For all the good I do in the world this is a dark side of me.

I am a vengeful person. You hurt our damage a friend, loved one or myself I will find revenge. It may take me a day’s, weeks or years but I will make you suffer as you made the people I love or myself suffer. I will meticulously plan and execute my revenge as I see fit.

Final TMS therapy

Today was the last day of TMS treatment. While I’m still not where I wanted to be after treatment there have been some major gains.

The biggest gain is that the little voice in my head telling me to kill myself has been quieted significantly! While I don’t think it’ll ever fully go away it is not a persistent thought pattern. The other big change is I no longer have the urge to self medicate by drinking myself to oblivion, these days I’m fine with having just one beer and that’s it.

I am hoping that once I find steady employment and have money coming in more happiness will follow. Until then I’ll keep going to group therapy and see my one on one therapist on Saturdays for as long as needed.

Flowers.

At the beginning of my relationship with she who shall not be named I was given a tin of flower seeds from her. The idea was that when I moved to North Carolina to be with her we’d plant them in our garden. That won’t be happening :-).

Each flower has a “meaning” behind them according to the tin. Sweet Peas are for friendship, Pinks are for strength, Forget-me-not’s are for love, Daisy’s for clarity, lavender is happiness, and Baby’s Breath is joy.

After the break up of the relationship I had contemplated sending them back to her with a snarky note. I have been advised against doing such and I’ve held off. Now I may have other plans for them.

Seeing how each flower has a different meaning I’m going chhange the meaning she intended and use that change to my advantage.

Here you go:

The Sweet Peas (friendship): will be to remind me of all the wonderful friends I have and those who’ve stuck with me through my darkest days.

Pinks (strength): Will remind me that no matter how dark my days get I will have the strength to get through it on my own or with others.

Forget-me-not (love): These will remind of my love for those friends and family around me who build me up when I tear myself down.

Daisy (clarity): These will be to remind me to look i to the future and choose the right path that is best for me.

Lavender (happiness): to remind me on those dark days there is happiness on the other side and it will be there waiting for me.

Baby’s Breath (joy): To help me see the joy in the world, in my puppy Evie, the happiness I bring to others and they bring to me. The joy in the sunshine and the rain. Just joy in general.

Now to find out if it’s to late to plant the seeds, not sure if they’re spring or summer flowers.

Group Therapy, Ketamine and Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS)

A month and a half ago I started a partial hospitalization group therapy program. In that time I’ve learned some coping skills that I really need to start and master. But overall I’m not sure what I’m getting out of it.

While in group I feel good, better than normal which is saying a lot, it’s good to be around people who have similar problems. However, once group ends and we go our separate ways my mood starts to decline and that’s where the trouble starts. The ups and downs of emotions, feeling good then not wears on the psyche and puts me in a bad state of mind.

The psychiatrist at the facility suggested I would be a good candidate for two different treatments. The first is the newly FDA approved ketamine nasal spray. While I like the idea of it, it supposedly gets rid of your suicidal thoughts almost immediately. The drawback is you have to sit in your doctor’s office for two hours afterwards to make sure there’s no adverse effects and you have to do this monthly I believe. If I had a job that would make things difficult.

Ther second treatment is Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS.) This is a treatment I’ve wanted to try since I first read of its FDA approval which I believe was early 90’s.

This is a treatment where you go five days a week over a six week period to have electromagnetic waves shot into your head. This treatment is suppose to relieve or totally get rid of depression symptoms. The electromagnetic waves are suppose to get your neurotransmitters firing correctly and alleviate your depression.

I have chosen to start with TMS treatment.While this treatment does not address my bipolar or BPD disorder it’s a step in the right direction in getting a lot of the help and relief I need.

I am three days into TMS treatment and so far it’s going well. After the first two days I had more energy and have been able to shower on a daily basis. This morning I woke up down from the elation I was feeling but I’m hoping that’s from a lack of sleep, I enjoyed feeling happy again even if it was just slightly.

Right now I’m putting a lot of faith and my life in the TMS treatment. This is a treatment geared to those of us that are treatment resistant so I am hoping it’ll help me. If it doesn’t than I’m stuck with the ketamine treatment and if that doesn’t work I’m SOL. Let’s all hope for TMS!!!