The one that got away, broken heart and wanting it to end…

Originally this post was about all three things but in the end it came down to the end.

I’m in love with a woman that I met 30 years ago, why I don’t know all I know is she is the one that truly got away but she doesn’t feel the same and I have to accept that.

Acceptance can be heartbreaking and sadly that’s something I’m getting used too.

The reason this entry has changed is due to a scene in “A Million Little Things.” In one scene the daughter of a person who chose to end their life basically said ‘the longer he’s gone the more I forget.’ This made me pause and reflect, when I’m gone will anyone think of me and say “Jeff really would have enjoyed this.” And the answer is no. I don’t think anyone will reminisce about me and think about what I may have like or disliked, I don’t think they would think of me at all.

With that being said, the desire to end things has been building up inside even though I’m taking all my meds as prescribed, am getting more than enough sleep and all those fun things you’re suppose to do. Sadly there isn’t a day lately where I don’t think about ending my life and imagining how I would do it. For most people that would be a scary prospect but having stepped on the precipice before I’m not scared anymore, it’s more of a when and how these days.

Suicide and my thought process.

I think about suicide often, almost every minute of every day. It’s a thought that I’ve done everything I know to get it to stop and out of my mind forever. So far it’s a losing battle.

Not only do I think about wanting to die by suicide my brain focuses on what it would feel like. I imagine the initial spilt second of painof the bullet entering my head and the build up of pressure until it exits. I imagine the rope tightening around my neck and if it’s done right the snapping of my neck and I feel no more. I think these type of thoughts through every scenario I can think and I have no real control over it.

I don’t know if others with suicidal tendencies have the same thought process or if I’m the only one, I doubt that I am. All I know is all of this is wearing me down day by day and I’m losing my strength to fight anymore.

Lost.

Just about two and a half years ago I was a trigger pull away from ending my life. Up until that moment I was pretty much a carefree, obnoxiously sarcastic, funny, caring and warm person. Since that day I don’t know who I am.

I have been living on my own for a little over a year now but I wouldn’t be able to make it if it weren’t for my ex helping me out. I don’t have a job, I have no direction in my life and I don’t know who I am anymore or if I ever did.

For a majority of my life I’ve lived with severe depression but I tried to never let it run my life, I faked being happy a lot. So in reality I’ve never known who I am. I’ve lived a lie for over forty years I never got the chance to discover who I am. I know what I want to be and I know how others see me but is that the real me or am I still faking it?

I come across as caring, compassionate, funny, maybe even charismatic. Deep down I feel as though I’m lost. I want to find my way in this world, to find out who I truly am but I’m afraid I’ve been faking things for so long I’ll never know how to find the real me. Is there a real me or am I doomed to continue pretending to know who I am just to make others happy? Now I’m just rambling so I’ll stop here, lost.

Abyss.

With all the progress I’ve made mentally this past year I still have a day or days as it is right now where I feel as though I’m regressing to where I was a year or two ago. This sense of regression scares me.

I feel as though I’m standing on a thin, slippery ledge and that one little slip will send me into the abyss. It makes me wonder if all the therapy and hard work I’ve put into getting better has really worked.

Right now I’m doing my best to fight back the negative thoughts especially the ones telling me to hurt myself and I’ll continue to fight them for as long as I can. I just want to be “normal.”

For years I was an advocate for all things cancer asking for funding for research and support and education programs. It was also a blessing for me to be a support for those in the battle or for those who had a loved one in the battle.

Now it’s my turn to ask for help but I don’t know how. I’m in need of so many things right now and I’m afraid to ask. Afraid that those who care about me

Darkness.

For all the good I do in the world this is a dark side of me.

I am a vengeful person. You hurt our damage a friend, loved one or myself I will find revenge. It may take me a day’s, weeks or years but I will make you suffer as you made the people I love or myself suffer. I will meticulously plan and execute my revenge as I see fit.

Final TMS therapy

Today was the last day of TMS treatment. While I’m still not where I wanted to be after treatment there have been some major gains.

The biggest gain is that the little voice in my head telling me to kill myself has been quieted significantly! While I don’t think it’ll ever fully go away it is not a persistent thought pattern. The other big change is I no longer have the urge to self medicate by drinking myself to oblivion, these days I’m fine with having just one beer and that’s it.

I am hoping that once I find steady employment and have money coming in more happiness will follow. Until then I’ll keep going to group therapy and see my one on one therapist on Saturdays for as long as needed.

Flowers.

At the beginning of my relationship with she who shall not be named I was given a tin of flower seeds from her. The idea was that when I moved to North Carolina to be with her we’d plant them in our garden. That won’t be happening :-).

Each flower has a “meaning” behind them according to the tin. Sweet Peas are for friendship, Pinks are for strength, Forget-me-not’s are for love, Daisy’s for clarity, lavender is happiness, and Baby’s Breath is joy.

After the break up of the relationship I had contemplated sending them back to her with a snarky note. I have been advised against doing such and I’ve held off. Now I may have other plans for them.

Seeing how each flower has a different meaning I’m going chhange the meaning she intended and use that change to my advantage.

Here you go:

The Sweet Peas (friendship): will be to remind me of all the wonderful friends I have and those who’ve stuck with me through my darkest days.

Pinks (strength): Will remind me that no matter how dark my days get I will have the strength to get through it on my own or with others.

Forget-me-not (love): These will remind of my love for those friends and family around me who build me up when I tear myself down.

Daisy (clarity): These will be to remind me to look i to the future and choose the right path that is best for me.

Lavender (happiness): to remind me on those dark days there is happiness on the other side and it will be there waiting for me.

Baby’s Breath (joy): To help me see the joy in the world, in my puppy Evie, the happiness I bring to others and they bring to me. The joy in the sunshine and the rain. Just joy in general.

Now to find out if it’s to late to plant the seeds, not sure if they’re spring or summer flowers.