For years I was an advocate for all things cancer asking for funding for research and support and education programs. It was also a blessing for me to be a support for those in the battle or for those who had a loved one in the battle.

Now it’s my turn to ask for help but I don’t know how. I’m in need of so many things right now and I’m afraid to ask. Afraid that those who care about me

Darkness.

For all the good I do in the world this is a dark side of me.

I am a vengeful person. You hurt our damage a friend, loved one or myself I will find revenge. It may take me a day’s, weeks or years but I will make you suffer as you made the people I love or myself suffer. I will meticulously plan and execute my revenge as I see fit.

Final TMS therapy

Today was the last day of TMS treatment. While I’m still not where I wanted to be after treatment there have been some major gains.

The biggest gain is that the little voice in my head telling me to kill myself has been quieted significantly! While I don’t think it’ll ever fully go away it is not a persistent thought pattern. The other big change is I no longer have the urge to self medicate by drinking myself to oblivion, these days I’m fine with having just one beer and that’s it.

I am hoping that once I find steady employment and have money coming in more happiness will follow. Until then I’ll keep going to group therapy and see my one on one therapist on Saturdays for as long as needed.

Kids.

Not having a kid or kids of my own has been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve always been torn between wanting kids and not. The main reason for not having any is my mental illness and not wanting to pass it on to my kids and have them suffer like I have.

I’ll be 51 this coming August and I have nothing to show that I’ve really existed on this planet. To show I’ve existed is no reason to have a kid I know that but I’m really feeling I’ve missed out on something special and wonderful.

A month or so ago I went to a play that two of my best friends kids were in, when I arrived I saw one of the kids giving a man a huge hug and I felt jealous. The man is a paramedic/EMT who literally saved the girls life so she seems him in a special heroic way. Seeing this hit me hard and made me realize I will never have a kid who sees me as any sort of hero in the way most kids look at their parents. I’m not talking a life saving hero but as a protector sort of hero if that makes sense.

These are feelings I wish I had three years ago or before. My ex has always wanted to be a foster parent or maybe one day adopt a child but I was always against it because I never felt adequate enough to be a parent. Now I’m just wishing she and I could work things out between us so we could get to the point of adopting. Working things out now is not an option as I’ve completely destroyed that trust.

So now I will have to live out the rest of my days with emptiness in my heart for what could’ve been and never knowing the love of a child and that truly sucks.

Flowers.

At the beginning of my relationship with she who shall not be named I was given a tin of flower seeds from her. The idea was that when I moved to North Carolina to be with her we’d plant them in our garden. That won’t be happening :-).

Each flower has a “meaning” behind them according to the tin. Sweet Peas are for friendship, Pinks are for strength, Forget-me-not’s are for love, Daisy’s for clarity, lavender is happiness, and Baby’s Breath is joy.

After the break up of the relationship I had contemplated sending them back to her with a snarky note. I have been advised against doing such and I’ve held off. Now I may have other plans for them.

Seeing how each flower has a different meaning I’m going chhange the meaning she intended and use that change to my advantage.

Here you go:

The Sweet Peas (friendship): will be to remind me of all the wonderful friends I have and those who’ve stuck with me through my darkest days.

Pinks (strength): Will remind me that no matter how dark my days get I will have the strength to get through it on my own or with others.

Forget-me-not (love): These will remind of my love for those friends and family around me who build me up when I tear myself down.

Daisy (clarity): These will be to remind me to look i to the future and choose the right path that is best for me.

Lavender (happiness): to remind me on those dark days there is happiness on the other side and it will be there waiting for me.

Baby’s Breath (joy): To help me see the joy in the world, in my puppy Evie, the happiness I bring to others and they bring to me. The joy in the sunshine and the rain. Just joy in general.

Now to find out if it’s to late to plant the seeds, not sure if they’re spring or summer flowers.

Group Therapy, Ketamine and Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS)

A month and a half ago I started a partial hospitalization group therapy program. In that time I’ve learned some coping skills that I really need to start and master. But overall I’m not sure what I’m getting out of it.

While in group I feel good, better than normal which is saying a lot, it’s good to be around people who have similar problems. However, once group ends and we go our separate ways my mood starts to decline and that’s where the trouble starts. The ups and downs of emotions, feeling good then not wears on the psyche and puts me in a bad state of mind.

The psychiatrist at the facility suggested I would be a good candidate for two different treatments. The first is the newly FDA approved ketamine nasal spray. While I like the idea of it, it supposedly gets rid of your suicidal thoughts almost immediately. The drawback is you have to sit in your doctor’s office for two hours afterwards to make sure there’s no adverse effects and you have to do this monthly I believe. If I had a job that would make things difficult.

Ther second treatment is Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS.) This is a treatment I’ve wanted to try since I first read of its FDA approval which I believe was early 90’s.

This is a treatment where you go five days a week over a six week period to have electromagnetic waves shot into your head. This treatment is suppose to relieve or totally get rid of depression symptoms. The electromagnetic waves are suppose to get your neurotransmitters firing correctly and alleviate your depression.

I have chosen to start with TMS treatment.While this treatment does not address my bipolar or BPD disorder it’s a step in the right direction in getting a lot of the help and relief I need.

I am three days into TMS treatment and so far it’s going well. After the first two days I had more energy and have been able to shower on a daily basis. This morning I woke up down from the elation I was feeling but I’m hoping that’s from a lack of sleep, I enjoyed feeling happy again even if it was just slightly.

Right now I’m putting a lot of faith and my life in the TMS treatment. This is a treatment geared to those of us that are treatment resistant so I am hoping it’ll help me. If it doesn’t than I’m stuck with the ketamine treatment and if that doesn’t work I’m SOL. Let’s all hope for TMS!!!

Why Therapy Doesn’t Work for Me

So I’ve realized a major flaw in my therapy and it’s me.

I’ve been living with my depression and whatnot for over 40 years. I’ve kept it hidden to the best of my ability from friends and familybecause I didn’t want them to pity me or for me to be a burden to them or worst case scenario people walking away because they don’t want to or know how to deal with it.

So back to me being the flaw. While I am now often and honest about everything and I do participate on group I’m still protecting myself to my own detriment. How so you ask? Probably not but I’ll tell you anyway. I’m too smart (or stupid) for my own good.

Having researched my mental health issues for so long as well as psychology and psychiatry I know the things to say to make the therapist think I’m making progress, this is how I got out of the hospital. While I do want to get better and be done semblance of “normal” I make it hard on myself to get there by not admitting I’m not really where they think I am or should be. I have no one to blame but myself and it’s something I need to work on.