The past two weeks my thoughts of ending things have been slowly creeping back into my mind as if the mess have stopped working. These thoughts are both welcomed and frightening at the same time.
There have been a lot of stressors in my life as of late. One being not having a job, second being that I’m running out of mom very that was put aside for me to live off to play rent, bills, etc. Another stressor had been adapting to living alone. My ex and I loved together for 15 of the 16 years we were together before that I always had roommates. The not having someone by my side to help distract me from these thoughts is scaring me as the thoughts get louder.
I feel as though I’m heading towards another breakdown and that of I attempt again it will be final since I promised myself that I won’t go through the hell of being locked up again. The mental health system here in my state or at least my county truly sucks and I don’t want to go through that again.
I see my psych nurse this Friday and hopefully she’ll either up my dosage or put me on new meds. Of course if it’s new meds it’ll take s little while for my body adjusts to them, hopefully it won’t be to late.
Checked one of the job boards I have my résumé on and found that my résumé has shown up in a 157 searches and only viewed 55 times and that’s only one of the three job boards I’m on. And in the 100 plus jobs I’ve applied for I’m getting rather discouraged about life.
Checked my bank account and found that I only have enough rent money for 3-4 months and no money for essentials like food, water and electricity.
I’m on the verge of another breakdown and who knows if I’ll survive that one, part of me hopes that I don’t.
Today I had a wonderful therapy session, got to discuss quite a few things. The sad part is, by the time I got up my a car the heaviness in my chest decided to show up and I’ve been down ever since. Hopefully a long run tomorrow will fix things for a little bit.
Ever since I was a kid I was told that wishes came true. All you had to do was wish upon a shooting star, blow the seeds off of a dandelion. And there’s also the eyelash wish.
It wasn’t until my late teens or early 20’s a girlfriend told me about wishing on 11:11. After she explained it I started wishing on 11:11 whenever I saw it. I figured if wishes were to ever come true it’d be on the 11:11 wishes since 1 and 3 or any combination of those two numbers are my favorite numbers (1, 3, 11, 13, etc.)
I wished for many things, things for myself, friends, loved ones who were battling cancer. It took losing 8 friends and family to the disease since 2001, having my heart broken again and again with their passing and failed relationships especially over the past two years to realize wishes don’t come true.
I’m done with wishes.
I have a problem it’s positive thoughts and memes with positive thoughts. When I see the “you’re stronger than this”, “you’re cared for”, “you’re loved” it just goes into my thought process as blah, blah, blah, they’re just words.
Maybe I feel that way because to me the mental health onset saturates it. Yes, I know there agree people there who need hear those words but for me they just don’t work.
I don’t have a positive outlook on life for myself. It is something we’re working on in therapy but the really haven’t been any progress and I realize that’s my fault. I have had to many people in my life tell me I’m a great person just to have them walk out on me and make me think otherwise.
Maybe it’s because I was told I was nothing, I was ugly, I wouldn’t amount to anything. Maybe it’s because I was beaten by my brother who’s five years older than me and grandmother since I was 5 and maybe before than. Maybe it’s because my mother wasn’t around much in my youth because she had to work two jobs in order to take care of us. Who knows the reason.
Either way it’s hard for me to believe these words when I can’t believe in myself.
Looking back at my life I see many chances to be happy and loved. If it weren’t for my mental health issues and fear of taking those chances I could actually be in a health and happy relationship, apparently I always make the wrong choices. Maybe one day.
Battling demons for most means drugs and alcohol for me it’s my brain. A part of my brains knows I’m a decent looking guy with a good personality and an average to above average IQ and then there’s the other side.
Growing up I was told I was ugly and stupid, that I would amount to nothing. Sadly it’s that side of my brain that controls me and I wish I knew how to turn it around.
Somehow I need to learn how to think more positively of myself and my outlook but I don’t know how.